Council To Outsource Lazy, Belligerent Arseholes

SUFFOLK Council is to put 9,000 of its malingering, overpaid functions out to private tender.

The local authority hopes to save millions by having its phones not answered in a Bangalore call centre alongside an automated system of callous indifference.

Council leader Martin Bishop said: “We are challenging the old-fashioned view that working for the council is a job sat on your arse eating biscuits, listening to Radio 2 while filing grievance claims for life.

“By working closely with the private sector we can insure our council tax payers continue to be treated like rusty buckets of steaming monkey diarrhoea without having to faff about with PAYE and employer’s national insurance contributions.”

He added: “Why pay some surly bitch with a sociology degree to write ugly, hate-filled letters when we can use a spreadsheet, a laptop and a thirty quid printer to pump out 10,000 sheets a day that just say ‘fuck you’ in large, capital letters?”

Nikki Hollis, a Suffolk council Unison shop steward, said: “It is obviously a disgraceful, ideologically driven decision and we’ll be consulting with our members as soon they are back from long-term sick leave.”

Meanwhile US firm Omnislouch is bidding to take over the council’s social services department, claiming child safety will be increased by 28% via the occasional phone call from their Milwaukee headquarters to some of Ipswich’s most dangerously thumb-challenged parents.

A spokesman said: “Our telephone-based social services product also offers short term, high interest loans and can recommend personal injury lawyers to people who think they may have slipped on something.”


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UK Police Holding Out For A Hero

UK police chiefs have decided that if they let crime get bad enough some sort of masked hero is bound to intervene.

As figures revealed the police are increasingly behaving as if they are scared to leave the station, senior officers have formally declared their intention to let gangs, crooks and punks rule the streets while honest, law-abiding citizens cower in their homes, thereby creating the ideal conditions for superhero activity.

Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Roy Hobbs, said: “The more like a Gotham City or Mega City One-type dystopia Britain’s cities become, the more likely it is that a flamboyant vigilante will sort it all out.

“Such a hero would, most importantly, be working on an unpaid basis. So they wouldn’t cost the taxpayer a penny in these straightened times.

“If we just let the criminals get on with it, sooner or later they’ll murder the right person’s parents and that person will create an effective alter ego, probably themed around some sort of animal that frightened them as a child.

“We’ve bought a big spotlight and a special phone.”

However Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, believes modern Britain is a less than ideal context for super-heroic activity. He said: “For starters there’s no quality villains. It’s mainly just dickheads and drunk people.”

Householder Tom Logan thought about becoming a masked vigilante after some local teenager drove a stolen Twingo into his porch. He said: “The police didn’t want to know. I thought, enough’s enough.

“I decided that I was going to call my alter-ego ‘The Horse’, becauses horses are strong and powerful and easy to draw in silhouette, with is good for costumes.

“I designed the logo but that’s as far as I got. Since then I’ve been a bit busy at work.”