SUFFOLK Council is to put 9,000 of its malingering, overpaid functions out to private tender.
The local authority hopes to save millions by having its phones not answered in a Bangalore call centre alongside an automated system of callous indifference.
Council leader Martin Bishop said: “We are challenging the old-fashioned view that working for the council is a job sat on your arse eating biscuits, listening to Radio 2 while filing grievance claims for life.
“By working closely with the private sector we can insure our council tax payers continue to be treated like rusty buckets of steaming monkey diarrhoea without having to faff about with PAYE and employer’s national insurance contributions.”
He added: “Why pay some surly bitch with a sociology degree to write ugly, hate-filled letters when we can use a spreadsheet, a laptop and a thirty quid printer to pump out 10,000 sheets a day that just say ‘fuck you’ in large, capital letters?”
Nikki Hollis, a Suffolk council Unison shop steward, said: “It is obviously a disgraceful, ideologically driven decision and we’ll be consulting with our members as soon they are back from long-term sick leave.”
Meanwhile US firm Omnislouch is bidding to take over the council’s social services department, claiming child safety will be increased by 28% via the occasional phone call from their Milwaukee headquarters to some of Ipswich’s most dangerously thumb-challenged parents.
A spokesman said: “Our telephone-based social services product also offers short term, high interest loans and can recommend personal injury lawyers to people who think they may have slipped on something.”