Councils granted right to remove vehicles if in a tow-y kind of mood

LOCAL authorities celebrated last night after a High Court ruling gave them the right to impound cars just totally on a whim.

UK councils have spent the last decade battling for the power to remove parked cars without even the flimsiest pretext.

Council boss Roy Hobbs said: “Previously we’ve had to have some tenuous excuse, like a car has been left on single yellow lines for over a nanosecond.

“This was no good if you’re just in a tow-y mood that day, feeling a bit frustrated about life and wanting to get it out of your system with some lovely satisfying towing.

“Finally we can tow anything – not even just cars, but also small buildings, trees and pets –  just because the fancy has taken us. We will remove the thing to a distant wire-fenced limbo and charge the owner vast sums of money or a vital organ to retrieve it.

“It’s therapeutic for us, and probably much cheaper for the taxpayer than the face-painting-and-oboe-playing sessions that are traditionally used to boost public sector morale.”

Towed driver Emma Bradford said: “Last time I got hauled was because I parked in a place where I was clearly taking the piss but only, I believed, in a ‘maybe-I’ll-get-a-yellow-packet-let’s-roll-the-dice’ kind of way.

“However when I returned to the vehicle, the state had taken it on a short lorry-based holiday to some godforsaken industrial estate.

“It was fine though, all I needed to get it back were the V5C form and passport that I always carry on me when I’m out shopping, like everyone fucking does. So it’s not like I had to go home and bugger about for ages trying to find them or anything.

“Clearly it was my fault but still, for shit’s sake. Since when have actions ever had consequences?”

She added: “So I’m quite ambivalent about the concept of totally indiscriminate towing. On the one hand, it’s a bitch.

“On the other, I will have the genuine moral high ground when I’m yelling the word ‘cocksuckers’ into the phone.”



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Jay-Z buys extravagant garden shed

RAPPER Jay-Z has purchased a million-dollar garden shed following the birth of his daughter, it has emerged.

Sources close to hip hop mogul claim the seven-figure Swarovski shed will be used for a combination of in-law avoidance and general pottering.

Situated in the garden of luxurious Hamptons home Jay-Z shares with his wife Beyonce, the super-deluxe shed has many high-end features including a silver Corbusier-style rack for half-empty pots of Humbrol and a half-finished flat pack shelving unit designed by Georgio Armani.

It is also believed to contain a solid gold Lorraine Schwartz-designed Old Virginia tobacco tin in which the hip-hop superstar can keep boiled sweets, string and fishing tackle.

Jay-Z said in a statement: “Since my crib became an actual crib, Hova be forced to relocate my shit to the bottom of the garden, know wha’m saying?

“Yeah. All you fellas know what I’m talking about”.

He added: “Actually, I just couldn’t face another conversation about whose eyes she’s got.”

“Also folks comparing how various hospitals are now to what they were like at an unspecified earlier point in time, and Beyonce’s nan’s long-ass unfinished anecdotes about what the weather was like when she was born.

“That shit gets real old real quick.”