Councils urged to collect disease-ridden bags of shit once a week

COUNCILS across England are to be offered incentives to collect rat-filled bags of putrefying meat and devastating viruses more often than once a fortnight.

Government ministers are to increase funding to cash-strapped local authorities in a bid to keep their manifesto promise of preventing a new outbreak of the Black Death.

Prime minister David Cameron said: “When I arrived in Downing Street I made it clear that one of the things I really wanted to do was prevent the population of this country being decimated by an unstoppable virus carried by the trillions of fleas who live on the backs of billions of rats.

“We’re not building a Big Society of rats and as I’ve often said, ‘take care of the rats and the fleas will take care of themselves’.”

The issue has caused tension between Downing Street and the department for communities and local government where secretary of state Eric Pickles has resisted weekly bin collections because he just loves the stench of rotting pork.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In recent years we have noticed a correlation between low life expectancy and societies with massive piles of uncollected refuse.

“India, for example, still has the occasional outbreak of a disease that they – and we – call ‘the plague’. I actually gave a presentation at a conference last night about why India still has the ‘the plague’. Allow me to repeat in full.

“It’s because they don’t collect their bins. I thank you.”

Council victim Bill McKay added: “Because I’ve been alive in England for more than 20 minutes I really don’t expect very much from my local authority.

“But I do think if they are going to do something with my £1500 a year I would like it to somehow involve the weekly collection of tiny, but virulent organisms that, given the opportunity, would effectively cause me to melt from the inside out.

“As long as they just do that, then as far as I’m concerned then they can go around setting up lesbian basketball teams until they are blue in the face.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Really drunk, you say? At the New Year’s Eve party you went to? Crikey. You must tell me everything.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week sees you hounding yourself into a nervous breakdown and making insinuating comments about your taste in poetry after you catch sight of yourself in the mirror with slightly messy hair.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. Unless you’re brown, obviously.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With a fitness DVD, a six-pack of Cornish pasties and a box of tissues, your shopping basket is a fascinating tableau of baseless hope and unfulfilled good intentions. Do you have a club card?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This year will be filled with great opportunities for self-advancement, fresh enthusiasm for healthy living and only three months for doing it in a school playground with the business end of a Dyson.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As you are once again overlooked in the Queen’s New Year honours list you begin to wonder whether Play Your Cards Right was actually some kind of communist front organisation in which you were an unwitting imperialist stooge.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No time to lose, there’s only 11 months to get a stupid bastard haircut, a smug expression on your oily fucking dial and a series of blindingly obvious quips for one of those end-of-year review shows.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A grumpy old man with a lonely life of lost love and missed opportunities, you surprise everyone when you unveil an attic full of balloons. Shame they’re all filled with piss.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
With just a few clicks save your spondooliks and you’ll thank your stars that you went to go compare. Enjoy that for the rest of the day, fuckers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If you’ve still got your Christmas tree up by now, it either means you’re common as muck or your emaciated corpse is going to be found in the summer after the neighbours notice that your cat is no longer scratching at the inside of the door.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
First impressions are absolutely crucial, which would certainly explain why people hate Jon Culshaw after about four seconds.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week the moon in Jupiter will remind you that just because someone has weird hair, it does not mean they don’t have a libel lawyer who’s an absolute fucking shark.