Councils want more money to basically come and get your bins

MANY local councils are to charge more for what amounts to emptying bins, it has emerged.

Over 40% of councils are to demand more money from residents, ostensibly for sending some strong-looking men in a noisy lorry to get their rubbish.

Householder Stephen Malley said: “It just makes you stop and think, what am I getting from the council in exchange for more cash than I can easily afford.

“Well, they’re taking my bins…and…

“Actually that does seem to be the main thing.

“I rang them up to ask but it was 4.55pm and they’d already turned off their computers so they could leave within a nanosecond of 5pm.

“Can I just not pay this bill and do my own bins?”

Local council leader Nikki Hollis said: “We do all kinds of things. Meetings, surveys, meetings about surveys.

“And we’ve got a website with a picture of a field on it.”



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‘Soft touch’ Britain to become ‘total bastard’ Britain

THE UK is going to be a total bastard to foreigners and people in general, David Cameron has announced.

The prime minister said that no longer being regarded as a ‘soft touch’ would save money for public services, as well as providing employment for the UK’s many bastards.

Cameron said: “When an immigrant arrives in the UK, immigration officials will mutter “Fucking twats” while processing their documents.

“Anyone allowed into the country will be followed around by a professional bastard who will make sneering comments such as ‘I like your shoes – not!’ and punch them in the back of the head when they’re not looking.

“However the real savings will be made by being a bastard to everyone who wants to use public services. Anyone requiring legal aid will now have to do a humiliating caterpillar impression before getting a kick up the arse by their solicitor.

“Only then will they be given their allotted three minutes of legal advice.”

Cameron said all aspects of public services would carry disincentives for using them, such as paying unemployment benefit in a wide variety of low-value foreign coins.

Electrician Norman Steele said: “I went to see my doctor recently but he said he could only examine me if I admitted I fancied mice. Then he stuck my head down a toilet and flushed it.

“Frankly that’s not what I pay my taxes for.”