Couple face another weekend of pretending to like other people's children

A CHILDLESS couple are to spend a long weekend pretending they enjoy the company of their friends’ children. 

Nathan and Sarah Muir chose not to have children because they enjoy having money and energy, but are forced to pretend otherwise when they meet up with friends who do.

Sarah Muir said: “Here we go. Which one did I say I thought was really sweet last time? What are their names again?

“It’s alright for you, at least you get to play X-Box though I appreciate you’re not allowed to win. That girl drags me upstairs to talk about ponies every fucking time.”

She added: “Oh God, I forgot about the other one. Last time I had to do art with it. Six bloody weeks later there was still glitter on my face. I looked like I’d had a lapdance.

“Don’t forget, children are brilliant and we definitely get why everyone had them. They’ll probably be dressed as pirates. How fucking cute.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple who spent their 20s guzzling ecstasy ban toxic cleaning products from home

A COUPLE who would take anything going for at least a decade now refuse to have any ‘harmful’ chemicals in their house.

Tom and Jo Logan, who used to gurn their way through every weekend, have now made their home a toxin-free environment to minimise their exposure to ‘damaging free radicals’.

Jo said: “Chemicals are everywhere. Even toilet paper has phthalates in which disrupt endochrine production, so why risk it?

“You’re putting unknown and potentially hazardous substances into your system, and for what?

Tom agreed: “We have both noticed an improvement in our skin and in our general sense of wellbeing, and nowadays we wake up feeling fresh and relaxed. That’s a big difference.

“I think it would shock people to know how dangerous a lot of so-called ‘acceptable’ household products are. It sickens me to think of them being used to cut our coke.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “The flat used to be a haze of weed, but now they clean everything with baking soda and vinegar and it smells like a chip shop.

“Chemicals do fuck you up. They are living proof.”