Couple having extension 'nightmare' should shut up now

A COUPLE who have enough money to make their house bigger should stop whining about the trauma it is causing them, it has been confirmed.

Tom Booker and his partner Emma Bradshaw keep harping on about how stressful it is to have builders in their house despite the fact that they paid them to be there.

Bradshaw said: “The builders did explain before they began that it would be a messy and inconvenient process, but we didn’t bother to listen because we were discussing whether Farrow and Ball’s ‘Elephant’s Breath’ would work in the new kitchen nook.

“Then they turned up with hammers and dust and noisy tools and caused absolute carnage. They’ve been here for literally days, acting as if structurally altering a house is a big deal.

“Despite the fact that we are intelligent people who understand what ‘building’ is, we are feeling the need to explain our surprise and disgust to everyone, but most especially our friends who can’t afford to buy houses in the first place.

 “Maybe it seems like a first world problem, but I’m sure an Eritrean woman escaping her country on a leaky boat could sympathise with the inconvenience of not having all your cooking utensils to hand.”

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After Brexit we set sail for America, says May

THERESA May told Britain today that once a clean Brexit is achieved, Britain will weigh anchor and sail across the Atlantic to the New World. 

The prime minister outlined her plan to cut all ties with the continent including geographical ones, leaving Britain free to roam the world with impunity. 

She continued: “We cannot hold on to bits of European membership, apart from free trade, bank passporting and a few others, so to continue being physically linked to it is more than Britain can bear. 

“In March 2019, once clean Brexit has been achieved and the EU’s population instructed not to even look at us without permission, Britain’s vast sails will be erected and we depart for America dragging the Chunnel behind us. 

“And if America proves inhospitable then perhaps Australia or Africa or simply a merry life of piracy on the high seas. 

“Oh, and Ireland’s coming with us as a hostage.”