Couple holding hands in the street really pissing everyone off

A COUPLE enjoying a romantic stroll around the shops are taking up the entire fucking pavement, other pedestrians have confirmed.

Emma Bradshaw and Tom Booker are dawdling around feeling like they are in a Richard Curtis film, apparently oblivious to the murderous rage of the people walking behind them.

Pedestrian Carolyn Ryan said: “If these two fuckers don’t start walking a bit quicker I’m going to trample all over the back of their espadrille-wearing heels.

“Whilst they might have the time to drift around cluttering up the pavement and gazing mistily into the windows of estate agents, some of us just want to get to Tesco as quickly as possible to buy a pint of milk and some Toilet Duck.

“There isn’t the time to dick about showing off about how in love you are. Some of us need to storm around glaring at people who get in your way, so we can get back home and sit on the sofa for nine hours.”

Bradshaw said: “I don’t even love him. I just love being annoying.”

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It was an actual snake, reveals LBC

RADIO station LBC has apologised for employing an actual snake which had disguised itself as a woman. 

The snake’s pretence was revealed when a producer glimpsed it in a mirror and realised he was the hypnotised slave of a serpent hissing insidious hatred.

An LBC spokesman said: “Not one of those big snakes. More small, brightly coloured, and highly venomous.

“It would coil around the microphone, whispering its poison, all the while maintaining it wasn’t a snake at all.

“Anyway, we got it on the end of a stick and got rid of it. So tune in for LBC’s Vile Slimy Toad hour every Monday to Thursday from 7pm.”