Couple reluctantly having baby because you're meant to

A COUPLE are having a baby to avoid disappointing the rest of society, they have announced.

Despite not particularly wanting children, Tom Logan and Joanna Kramer feel they should go along with the general consensus and have at least one.

Graphic designer Logan said: ““Frankly it sounds like a nightmare but people seem to approve when you do grown-up things.

“I’m not even sure I’m mature enough to bring up a child, plus we can barely afford it, but everyone loves babies and I’d hate to disappoint them.”

Teacher Kramer said: “My friends with babies will be delighted that I can join in their tedious conversations about burping and little clothes.

“My parents will be happy too, although I’ve no idea why after raising ungrateful little shits like me and my brother who only get in touch when we want to borrow money.

“To be honest I wonder if people only have babies for the time off work and so they can stop reading articles about biological fucking clocks.”

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Eastenders viewers left heartbroken after Ian Beale does not die

EASTENDERS fans have been left in tears by traumatic scenes showing Ian Beale alive and well.

Heat-rending scenes in the latest episode showed the intolerable long-running character looking perfectly healthy as he pursued various business interests and interacted with Walford locals.

Fan Helen Archer said: “There were rumours of a big storyline where something bad happens, but I never imagined it would be as awful as Ian Beale not dying. What sort of sadists write this stuff?

“My whole family was watching and we were expecting to see him get kicked off a cliff by a donkey and then eaten alive by goats.

“Or maybe hit on the head by one of those massive blocks of frozen shit they sometimes drop out of planes.”

Furious viewer Roy Hobbs said: “Life is hard enough without having to look at Ian Beale and his weird sub-Happy Mondays centre parting.

“I’ve started an online petition to get him bummed to death by a panda.”

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