Couple split over imaginary lotto winnings

A HUSBAND and wife are to divorce after arguing about the £72m they did not win on the lottery.

Bill McKay, from Carlisle, wanted to throw a massive party for all their friends, while his wife Sandra was going to celebrate the win that never happened with a round-the-world trip.

Mutual friend Roy Hobbs said: “They’ve now contacted lawyers to come to a settlement over the assets they don’t have.”

The couple will shortly be imagining how awkward it is going to be to sell the £5m mansion they would have bought and have rallied support from the rich new circle of friends they imagine they would have made.

Divorce lawyers now recommend couples enter lottery counselling before being wed to ensure their tastes will not clash. A London couple broke up last month after the sessions revealed he would become unbearably snobbish while she would blow the lot on expensive, gaudy crap.

Hobbs added: “The irony is, they should’ve broken up years ago over the affairs Bill thought weren’t happening but actually were.”

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Isis pays Daily Mail and Sun for ‘strategic PR services’

ISIS has paid the Daily Mail and the Sun five figure sums for ‘strategic public relations and reputation management’.

The terrorist maniacs have now signed up for a long-term media campaign with Britain’s two biggest newspapers and promised to recommend them to other insanely violent extremists.

Isis leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said: “The brief was to make British Muslims feel alienated so they would reject Britain’s liberal secular values and pledge their loyalty to the Caliphate.

“We’re very happy with what we’ve seen so far and look forward to working together throughout next year. They are client-focused at all times, continually thinking about our short, medium and long-term objectives while protecting and enhancing the power of our brand.”

A spokesman for the Daily Mail said: “We took a multi-pronged approach to this brief including opinion polls, double page spreads about Jihadi brides and a competition between our reporters to find ‘Britain’s most horrible Muslim’.

“Abu Bakr and his executive team have been fantastic clients, giving us everything we need. If they didn’t exist we’d have to invent them.”