Couple sure everyone enjoyed that 25-minute baby story

A COUPLE are convinced their long and detailed baby story was both interesting and entertaining.

Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis believe friends in the pub were gripped by their account of their daughter’s attempts to say ‘daddy’, which lasted almost half an hour.

Hollis said: “It’s a wonderful story because Emily-Rose tries to day ‘daddy’ but it comes out as ‘taga’. Who’d have thought babies did things like that?

“I set the scene with a detailed description of Emily-Rose’s activities – crying, eating, sleeping – then launched into the main story. I should probably become a children’s author like Roald Dahl.

“You could tell everyone was enjoying it because they kept nodding slightly. Martin in particular loved it. The grin on his face was absolutely fixed.”

Logan said: “Nikki told the story brilliantly but I added some great impressions of Emily-Rose saying ‘taga’. I said it about 30 times because Sally laughed politely every time.

“We’re all meeting again in a fortnight for a meal so we’ll probably tell them our other excellent story about how we bought a toy xylophone but she’s a bit young for it.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Oh Christ.”

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Mark Kermode's top films that are set in his own rectum

HI, I’m Mark Kermode and it’s fine if you think I’m a twat.

But I’m not here to talk to about the reasons you might dislike me without ever having met me, today I’m here to tell you about my favourite films that are set entirely in my back passage. So, let’s begin…

In the Dark

It’s dark, it’s scary. Well, it would be, wouldn’t it? It’s my anus after all.

The Arsenator Franchise

Now, as everyone knows, I’m not usually one for franchises and all that kind of thing but The Arsenator movies are different. They’re subtle, wonderfully observed, tender at times but also pretty non-stop when they get going.

Conversations at the Back Door

A beautiful film, filled with ordinary people, all just talking out of their own back doors. You can probably see why I like it so much.

The Arsorcist

I love this classic horror film, just love it. It has everything, suspense, drama, just everything. At it’s heart it’s the story of an ordinary family who might be the victims of a hostile paranormal entity or they may just be up my arse. The director bravely leaves it to the viewer to decide (although if you ask me, they’re up my arse).