Couple who 'don’t have to talk all the time' clearly going to split up

A COUPLE who claim to enjoy spending long periods of time in silence are quite obviously doomed, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes and Nikki Hollis like to imply their relationship is so good that talking is unnecessary, but may just have fuck all to say to each other.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “Wayne and Nikki seem to believe not needing to talk is this incredible thing, but I think they’re confusing ‘being deeply in love’ with ‘quietly simmering mutual resentment’.

Hayes said: “Nikki and I often sit for hours without speaking while I look at work stuff on my laptop and she fiddles with her phone. That’s a sign of a really strong relationship.

“We’re so comfortable with each other we don’t need to be constantly yapping, although a few times I’ve thought Nikki was silently enjoying my company and she’d actually fallen asleep.

“It’s great we have this deep unspoken bond, plus it means Nikki rarely tells me about her tedious job, which bores me shitless.”

Hollis said: “I’m so lucky not to be with my old boyfriend who wouldn’t stop chatting and telling me jokes. I might look him up on Facebook to remind myself how terrible it was.”

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Arsenal can't remember if they are still in Champions League

THE Champions League has returned after a lengthy break and nobody at Arsenal is sure whether they have gone out yet.

Arsenal staff now face a race against time to find out whether the club will be required to fly across Europe to be overwhelmed by someone like Barcelona or Bayern Munich.

Arsene Wenger said: “This is definitely the time of year when we usually go out of the Champions League.

“In fact I tend to mark it in my diary for a week or so after we surrender the title race, which would make it this week.

“But it’s also totally possible that we imploded in the group stage, lost to someone like Ludogorets and have already gone out, in which case I can make dinner plans for tonight.”

If Arsenal are unable to find a fixture list, they are expected to travel to Munich anyway and to fly back the next day presuming they have lost 3-1. 

Fan Tom Logan said: “I have vague memories of the group stage happening, but that could’ve been last year or an advert for a computer game.

“Being an Arsenal fan you tend to lose any sense of time passing. In many ways it’s like being a toddler, or a dog, you simply alternate between wild, delirious excitement and incandescent rage.”