Couple's attempt to invent pet names for each other a collosal f**k up

A NEW couple have experimented with quirky pet names for each other that are absolutely dreadful. 

Tom Logan and Eleanor Shaw have been testing new names including ‘Lemon Pop’ and ‘Little Bear’ but were forced to admit the entire exercise has been a ‘colossal fuck up from start to finish’.

Shaw said: “‘Lemon Pop’ was ironic because he’s a bit of a muscleman, but he did not get that. Took it quite badly in fact.

“And I call him ‘Big Bear’ because he’s hairy, but am I hairy? No. Do I want to be ‘Little Hairy Bear Freak’? The whole thing has undermined the relationship quite badly.”

Logan agreed: “We know other couples that have them and we’ve copied that without really understanding it. And it’s shown.

“At one point we considered ‘Snugglepuss’ and ‘Tubba Wubba’. It may as well have been ‘Hitler’ and ‘Stalin’.”

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Scotland to have second referendum anyway 'because it’s full of awkward bastards'

SCOTLAND will probably have another independence referendum because of its high percentage of difficult bastards, it has emerged.

Despite the SNP losing seats to the Scottish Tories, both pro and anti-independence voters agreed that they must not pass up an opportunity to be awkward and belligerent.

Bill McKay, from Dundee, said: “I like disagreeing with people and I think life should be relentlessly angry and unpleasant.

“I’m looking forward to at least nine independence referendums, each one more ghastly and vindictive than the last.”

Meanwhile, defeated former SNP leader Alex Salmond has vowed to return as a set of haunted, floating bagpipes.

He said: “I shall become a ghostly wind instrument that will float through quaint market towns in Surrey and the Cotswolds, pumping out ‘music’ that will make people want to rip their ears off.”