Crack Day ‘less chilled’ than Weed Day

NATIONAL Crack Day was a less relaxing experience than National Weed Day, it has been claimed.

Crack Day revellers in Hyde Park said the day lacked a ‘mellow vibe’ due to high levels of crime, violence and personal degradation.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Crack Day was fun for the first 15 minutes, but then I realised I desperately needed more crack and was prepared to do anything to get it.

“Before long I’d emptied my bank account, but fortunately my girlfriend was there so I was able to mug her and take her purse.

“Then I stole my mum’s car and sold it for £20, shoplifted some meat from Tesco and gave a blow job to a dealer in a filthy crack house full of needles and dog poo.

“Overall not a great day out.”

Student Nikki Hollis said: “I made a load of crack brownies for my friends, but I think I might have put too much in because Lucy started screaming about praying mantises living in her legs.

“Then Emma said Annabel had stolen the last brownie and stabbed her in the thigh with a kitchen knife, which was terrible because we’ve all booked a holiday in Crete.”

Various Crack Day events took place across the country, including a mass shoot-out between crack vendors in Nottingham.

36-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “On Crack Day I did two burglaries and a street robbery. I’m just hoping my boss doesn’t find out, because I’m a policeman.”

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Broken dreamcatcher floods Swindon with unresolved anxieties

AN overloaded dreamcatcher has released a torrent of nagging anxieties and unsettling erotic scenarios.

The dreamcatcher, property of Swindon housewife Mary Fisher, reached capacity during a dream about walking in the Andes with her best friend’s niece and having lunch in a prison canteen with Yasmin Le Bon.

The emergency services were called after a neighbour reported being chased by a shadowy figure who walked slowly but always seemed to be right behind her.

Firefighters are attempting to clear the flood of nagging anxieties while struggling with the sensation that they are late for an important job interview.

Dreamcatcher expert Tom Booker said: “This is a warning to those who deny the dreamcatcher is a highly advanced piece of technology which works exactly as promised.

“Miss Williams’s dreamcatcher should have been serviced every 18 months by a qualified Chippewa technician to drain her psychic effluvia.”