Yeah, whatever, marathon runners told

EVERYONE will be bored of marathon anecdotes by 2pm, say experts.

Chapped nipples, sore feet and the sight of Jonathan Pearce’s sweaty arse will quickly cease to be acceptable topics of conversation as runners are met with widespread indifference.

Telesales drone Tom Logan said: “Yeah, let me guess, it was really tiring around ‘mile 16’ but you pushed through the wall and got a total feeling of achievement crossing the finish line, am I right?

“I’m trying to eat some crisps here in peace and quiet, how’s that for a  ‘personal goal’?”

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Chelsea 'slathered in mayonnaise'

BRENDAN Rodgers has accused Rafael Benitez of coating his players in garlic mayonnaise. 

After Luis Suarez tucked into defender Ivanovic during yesterday’s match, Liverpool players say their opponents had a distractingly scrumptious odour throughout the game.

Rodgers said: “I spotted a big pot of allioli in the away dressing room at half time and I could hardly shout out my pointless instructions for my stomach rumbling.

“It’s very hard to focus on the match when you just want to tuck your opponents into a nice warm pitta bread with some salad.”