Hot tub owners pretending it's not a nasty sex pond

MOST hot tub owners are putting up a thin veneer of respectability.

One in ten UK households now has a sex pond, but only a tiny fraction admit they bought theirs because bubbles get them hot.

43-year-old Tom Logan said: “We got a hot tub because of my bad back. I’ve got a slipped disc or something like that.

“Sometimes I get in it with my wife and she rubs my back for about half an hour, it has a therapeutic effect.

“Occasionally other good-looking couples with bad backs come around, and we rub each other’s aching joints in the moonlight while sipping medicinal champagne.

“You might hear us groaning softly with the sensations of soothing pain relief.

“That’s what happens and don’t let my neighbours tell you any different, they’re just jealous, bitter people.”

Fellow sex pond owner Stephen Malley has a more honest approach: “We get in it and fuck. It’s like being a big sexy fish.

“Sometimes the dog jumps in too but we don’t encourage that.”

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Queen 'landed with a sickening crunch'

THE Queen has suffered extensive injuries after being repeatedly thrown into the air during birthday celebrations.

She suffered multiple broken ribs and a bruised spine after family members hurled her high on the count of ’87’.

While Princes Harry and William had a firm grasp of her ankles, Prince Charles let her left arm slip at the key moment, causing the Queen to hit the wooden floor of the Buckingham Palace ballroom with a nauseating crunch.

According to sources, the monarch lay still for several minutes afterwards with her limbs splayed at worrying angles, while Charles muttered something about sweaty palms.

The bumps are a longstanding Royal tradition, dating back to Charles II. Every monarch since has endured them, except Edward VIII, who engineered a constitutional crisis leading to his abdication so as to be spared the ordeal.

Royal biographer Julian Cook said: “The bumps ritual symbolises the divine origins of royalty – the monarch is being thrown towards God.

“Her physician is confident that she will be well enough to receive the bumps once again on her official birthday in June.”