Creeping sense of oblivion up 32%

BRITAIN’S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

The Daily Mash Fucktometer, March 2011

The nation’s sense of oblivion has been driven to new highs by imminent nuclear meltdowns in the last country you would expect, the televised disintegration of North Africa and the looming threat of a Sarah Palin presidency.

Britain’s emergency reserves of meagre optimism have also been hammered by the seemingly unstoppable rise of both Justin Bieber and Hugo Chavez.

Meanwhile background factors persist, including having no money ever again, the broad sweep of central Asian psychosis and the uncertainty over what it will be like to be owned by an Indian or Chinese person.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s not been the best three months for being able to ignore the sense that our world is collapsing around us as we hurtle headlong towards fiery doom.

“Nevertheless there is still fun to be had speculating whether you’ll be killed in an oil war, gunned down by Russian gangsters or consumed by a natural event that is just suddenly there.

“You could play it at home until you’re thrown into the street by man to whom you’ve been paying £6 million a year for bankrupting you.”

Tom Logan, an unemployed ambulance driver from Hatfield, said: “What a shame about Australia.”

Professor Brubaker added: “I would recommend people watch Deep Impact so as to get a sense of hope that, even when all seems lost, we can recover. Unfortunately I can’t, partly because that’s not going to happen, but mainly because Deep Impact is fucking rubbish.”




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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Jazz Thinking: Manifesting extreme life success from music.

I play the sax and vibe in on vocals in a four piece called Chateau. We perform what I like to call ‘reliable jazz’. This isn’t self-indulgent music – with so much chaos in the world Chateau are about creating a vibe you can depend on. It’s unsurprising that we’ve sold over 500 albums with many glowing testimonies. For example:

Clint from Shrewsbury said: “I just want to thank Chateau from the bottom of my heart for writing Café of Dreams. Every time I think I haven’t got the confidence to do a powerpoint presentation I picture myself in that little café ordering a dream sandwich from the kindest pony in the world and I know I can get to that last slide. By the way I’d love to know whether that boy with the rosy cheeks in the song was just hot or he actually had Roseaca? The lyrics are little ambiguous.”

I should tell you Clint that it’s going to have to remain ambiguous because that’s the nature of jazz – it’s up to individual interpretation. Ironically it was first performing that track Café of Dreams that gave me one of the greatest performance enhancing tools of my life. On the track I’m required to do a 12 minute sax solo. I seriously questioned it at first, I almost left the band, but Ed, the bandleader, is right, it’s our best number we do need to make the most of it. Still, that’s almost a quarter of an hour of uncharted rumba territory and I didn’t know if I could do it. I was terrified I’d blow myself off the jazz map and come back with those starey eyes and wobbly lips.

I had to learn to really improvise. I had to free myself from the notes on the page and create something new, but that also wasn’t weird or awkward, corporate social mixers can be quite sensitive events. Once I started Jazz Thinking my whole life started to change. If I didn’t get the respect I wanted at work, I wouldn’t go and whine to HR I’d Jazz Think and throw a chair across the room. If my wife Paew Pang asked me at breakfast why I didn’t get in till 2am last night I’d just start gargling my cappuccino. I learnt to improvise with life. May all your life riffs be melodic.

Chateau are available for all types of business and social functions for £500 plus travel. Guests are encouraged not to look at Jimmy the bass player directly in the eyes.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Jazz Thinking: Life is Just a 90-year Saxophone Solo.