Creeping sense of oblivion up 32%

BRITAIN’S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

The Daily Mash Fucktometer, March 2011

The nation’s sense of oblivion has been driven to new highs by imminent nuclear meltdowns in the last country you would expect, the televised disintegration of North Africa and the looming threat of a Sarah Palin presidency.

Britain’s emergency reserves of meagre optimism have also been hammered by the seemingly unstoppable rise of both Justin Bieber and Hugo Chavez.

Meanwhile background factors persist, including having no money ever again, the broad sweep of central Asian psychosis and the uncertainty over what it will be like to be owned by an Indian or Chinese person.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s not been the best three months for being able to ignore the sense that our world is collapsing around us as we hurtle headlong towards fiery doom.

“Nevertheless there is still fun to be had speculating whether you’ll be killed in an oil war, gunned down by Russian gangsters or consumed by a natural event that is just suddenly there.

“You could play it at home until you’re thrown into the street by man to whom you’ve been paying £6 million a year for bankrupting you.”

Tom Logan, an unemployed ambulance driver from Hatfield, said: “What a shame about Australia.”

Professor Brubaker added: “I would recommend people watch Deep Impact so as to get a sense of hope that, even when all seems lost, we can recover. Unfortunately I can’t, partly because that’s not going to happen, but mainly because Deep Impact is fucking rubbish.”