INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit:
Anal probing
Aliens have discovered our planet. But instead of making their presence known, they abduct a couple of rural types to fiddle around with their arses. Why? What could motivate a space-travelling civilisation to give a beef farmer from Tisbury a prostrate exam? Are they simply perverts?
Crop circles
Again, we’re dealing with a level of technology far beyond our comprehension. Whether wormholes or warping space, they’ve come thousands of light years. And they shit about in a field making pretty patterns then piss off? Unless this spacefaring race is ruled by intergalactic crocheters, unlikely.
Cattle mutilation
Extraterrestrials are conducting experiments on Earth’s inhabitants. What kind of thing? Just randomly mauling some livestock in exactly the same way that, say, a wolf might. It’s genius in a way; these reported incidents look so much like an animal attack that rational people would never suspect they were done by Andromeda.
Build the pyramids
More impressive than the above, admittedly, but making contact with the Egyptians to give them a hand with some pointy buildings? Anyone who buys this basically believes aliens are little more than intergalactic white van men. And they probably f**ked off with the job half-finished, which is why they’re crap.
A sort of face on Mars if you squint
Those who claim aliens have visited our solar system point to the famous photo of Mars’s Cydonia region which shows a big rocky face. Great. If the only contact these aliens made was to create a GCSE art project that wouldn’t get a passing grade, it’s for the best they don’t make further contact.
