Crosses 'help explain why someone is dreadful'

RELIGIOUS symbols in the workplace can help colleagues
and customers understand ghastliness, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found the anger and frustration caused by dealing with dreadfulness is often compounded by not knowing why people are being so utterly hateful.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If you encounter someone who is incredibly uptight, judgemental, humourless and a bit thick it can all be terribly vexing, until you notice the cross.

“Then you can relax a bit because you have the measure of them. In many cases you may even be surprised at how reasonable they’re being.

“So the next time some pinch-faced bank teller looks at you like you’ve just come from a bestial threesome and refuses to give you money ‘because you’ll spend it on amyl nitrate’ you can point to the cross and say ‘judge not lest ye be judged’ and then go about your day.”

But Professor Brubaker also stressed that Christians did have a valid argument when they pointed out that it is just a little cross.

He added: “If it was absolutely massive and they were nailed to it – or were trying to nail you to it – then we may be in a position of justified fuss-making.

“Meanwhile, the wearing of a tiny cross – much like the marriage of two gay people – gives a very strong reading on the no-one else’s fucking business-ometer.”

 

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Government to become Northern Rock

THE government is to turn itself into the defunct mortgage company Northern Rock, Downing Street has confirmed.

From today all the signs that say ‘government’ will be changed to Northern Rock and all government workers will have to wear a purple blazer.

Meanwhile, Number 10 Downing Street will be transformed into a branch of Northern Rock and a large photo of David Cameron, in his blazer, will be placed in the window accompanied by the slogan, ‘My dream is to make your dream no longer a dream anymore’.

The prime minister said it was obviously time to shift the government’s core function from poor quality service provision to handing out incredibly risky home loans.

He added: “The dream of Britain is to be a house. Too many of our young see houses as impossible. We shall give them money because they are nice and think houses are lovely.”

The prime minister then used the phrase ‘re-boot’ because that is precisely the kind of person he is.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly McPartlin, said: “The government has used its Magnificent Ideas Contraption to combine negative equity and the increasing lack of job security to come up with a way of stopping bricklayers from turning into metal thieves.

“After three years the government will be technically insolvent and will have to be split up into a good government and a bad government. The good bit will be bought by Richard Branson and the fat man who owns Top Shop and the bad bit will be left to fester in a disused fridge.

“It’s innovative and exciting.”