Cyclist in favour of anything that makes people look at him

A CYCLIST is in favour of having to wear any ridiculous-looking equipment if it makes people look at him, he has confirmed.

After calls to make cycle helmets and high-visibility clothing compulsory, Martin Bishop explained that looking like an utter penis was a small price to pay for getting the attention he craves.

Bishop said: “My helmet makes me look like a mushroom from Super Mario, which keeps my head safe but better still makes strangers stare at me. As a 43-year-old man it’s the nearest I’ll get to feeling like an attractive young woman.

“The new safety gear should be even harder to ignore, for example a bright orange Darth Vader costume with a lightsaber to point accusingly at motorists who are in the wrong.

“Another approach might be a reflective vest with a supremely irritating slogan on the back, such as ‘Think once, think twice, think BIKE!’.

“Basically I don’t care how much of a twat I look if people are thinking, ‘Who is that fearless two-wheeled renegade of the road, taking no shit and living by his own rules?’

“I’m sure that’s what they think and not, ‘Who’s that arse in stupid cycling sunglasses who looks like Bono dressed for a women’s aerobics class?’”

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Now seems a good time to tell you William’s my real dad and that’s not the half of it, by Prince Harry

By Prince Harry

DEAR Meghan, there’s probably a couple of things I should quickly mention before this goes any further.

With things becoming more serious between us, I thought it was time to clear up a few of my family’s eccentricities. Firstly, you might have noticed that my ‘brother’ William looks 20 years older than me. That’s because he’s my real dad.

You don’t need to know the full details, it’s all to do with bloodlines and whatnot. Anyway William is a really cool dad with his own helicopter, so it’s all fine. What else?

Oh yes, as you correctly observed that weird sticky stuff served at dinner last week was plankton. It’s all Uncle Edward can eat because of his part-fish DNA, which also explains why he has to be wheeled around in that tank. I can’t even go there on that one, it’s just one of those things nobody really mentions. It’s best you don’t look him in the eye, which also applies to Camilla who is a renowned ’neck-biter’.

The reason all the palace bed sheets are papered with that silver foil is because Philip, who may or may not be my grandfather, insists that it deflects witch doctors’ curses. He’s really paranoid about curses but after what happened with Princess Michael’s butler and the spear you can’t really blame him.

I think those are the main things for now, apart from that weird-looking corgi. You know how you said it looked like an old lady? Well it’s all to do with keeping great-granny’s head alive until they can find a healthy young woman’s body to transplant it onto. But you don’t need to worry about that for the time being.