D-Day veterans thank Britain for becoming so self-absorbed

THE veterans of D-Day have marked the 70th anniversary by thanking Britain for becoming shallow and worthless.

The soldiers who liberated Europe from fascism stressed we had done them proud with our relentless focus on money, celebrity, clothing and football.

Bill McKay, 92, said: “Just before I stepped off the landing craft, bullets flying past my head, I turned to my mate Trevor and said, ‘I do hope future generations won’t take this for granted in any way, because that would be a total pain in the arse’. And Trevor agreed with me wholeheartedly.

“As I recall, he speculated on what seemed an unlikely scenario whereby Britain becomes utterly self-absorbed and complains about absolutely everything. He may even have used the phrase ‘little shits’.”

McKay added: “Of course we were both shouting at each other because of all the bombs going off, so I may have misheard him, but I’m pretty sure it was ‘little shits’.

“Anyway, Trevor and I kept in touch and over the years we have laughed about how those unlikely predictions came true. I’m just kidding, we’re incredibly angry about it.”

But Tom Logan, a 33 year-old marketing consultant from Hatfield, said: “It’s only because of those brave men that I can be so shallow, materialistic and complacent.

“I’d imagine being ruled by Nazis does tend to keep you focused on the things that really matter.”

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Good-looking groups of friends unable to sustain conversation

GROUPS of people who socialise together because they are all attractive run out of conversation very quickly, it has emerged.

Researchers found that ‘hot’ people with ‘hot’ friends engage in shared activities such as standing next to each other, taking group photos and saying ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They do have brief conversations about body hair removal, but mostly they just stare into space.”

He added: “Some good-looking friendship groups often include a token ‘funny one’ who is fat.

“This can extend conversations for up to three minutes, but the less attractive one is essentially a decoy designed to show the group has depth of character.

“Never forget, all good-looking people are evil.”