Dad forced to admit decking looks shit

A FATHER has been forced to confront the fact that putting decking in his garden was a mistake.

48-year-old Stephen Malley broke down at an intervention staged by family members who have secretly always thought the decking looks shit.

Malley said: “That decking has been a big part of my identity for over a decade. I remember putting it down, or at least helping the decking installation man to put it down.

“I thought everyone loved it and that it looked brilliant. Now though, thanks to my wife and son, I finally understand that it is a bit weird if your garden is entirely covered by a manky wooden platform.

“It feels like we’re a family again.”

Malley’s wife Lisa said: “Every time I tried getting him to talk about the decking he would simply get angry. Deep down he knew it was a problem, it was just a question of how to approach it.

“Finally we just said ‘that decking looks fucking shit’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Londoner helplessly lost in unfamiliar part of London

A WOMAN from Tower Hamlets has absolutely no idea how to get around Mayfair, it has emerged.

Francesca Johnson agreed to meet her friend Kate in a pub near Green Park station, a place she had never been before despite having lived in London her entire life.

Johnson said: “Kate’s visiting from a place in the countryside called Bristol. She wanted to meet in Mayfair for some reason, as though there’s no pubs in Mile End.

“Like all Londoners, I never willingly travel more than thirty minutes from my front door, and I mentally shut down whenever someone mentions a postcode with a W in it.

“I had to pretend I come here all the time, although the closest I’ve been is when I feel asleep drunk on the night bus and ended up in Bond Street at 3am.”

She added: “I can’t check my phone because the locals will know I’m not from round here and jump me.

“I only just found out that Berkeley Square is a real place. I thought it was fictional, like Acacia Avenue, or Baker Street.”