Dad invests in jumper that will see him through last 40 years of his life

A MIDDLE-aged man has purchased the functional sweater he will wear repeatedly until death.

Father of two Martin Bishop resorted to a shopping trip after a hole in the Superdry jumper that had seen him through the last five years became untenable.

After a brief glance at his choices, Bishop bought a shapeless dark grey jumper, knowing he now has the level of warmth and comfort he needs for the rest of his life.

Bishop said: “It’s nice to have that off my to-do list. The thought of having one more shopping trip was really weighing on me.

“This jumper will become synonymous with me, like a second skin. I will never be seen without it.

“It won’t venture into the washing machine or sit in a drawer, it will grace the sofa and the dinner parties that I am forced to attend. It will be brought out for weddings, funerals and doing DIY.”

Bishop’s wife Emma said: “Martin had the face of a man going to war, but he came back triumphant, cradling the shopping bag like a baby and muttering about how expensive things are.”

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EU vote will include option to restart WW2

NEXT year’s EU referendum will offer voters the chance to relaunch the Second World War.

The Electoral Commission has decided the original ‘yes-no’ referendum question was biased in favour of peaceful cohabitation.

A spokesman said: “It fails to address whether we should become a bulldog breed again, standing firm against our European partners, the filthy Huns.”

Voters are now excited at the prospect of landing on the Normandy beaches and fighting through the Ardennes forest, before a final, heroic push towards Berlin.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “I can’t wait for the classic battles like D-Day and Arnhem. I’m assuming that if you get killed you just respawn like in Call of Duty?”

However Donna Sheridan, from Stevenage, said: “I’m undecided. I don’t want to massacre the innocent people of Dresden, but on the other hand 1940s men do look very smart in their uniforms.”