Dad watching old Grange Hill episodes for homeschooling advice

A FATHER who has no idea how to teach his kids at home has been consulting old episodes of Grange Hill on YouTube.

Martin Bishop hopes the Phil Redmond BBC children’s drama he watched in the late 1970s will provide his two boys with all the knowledge they need to succeed in life.

Bishop said: “I’ve been teaching them everything I learned from Grange Hill. If you meet a boy called Gonch, tell him he can ‘naff it’ with his money-making schemes.

“And of course ‘Just say no’. Very important that. They were confused as to why we were doing a lesson about heroin, but look at what happened to Zammo.

“At lunchtime I threw a sausage on a fork at them. Exciting things like that never happened at my real comprehensive in the 70s, but I wish they had.”

Bishop said he was unsure about teaching maths, history, English, biology and all the core GCSE subjects as that side of school life did not crop up on the show. 

He added: “We’re focusing more on dramatically interesting subjects like racial prejudice. Swearing is strictly forbidden, because you never heard that on Grange Hill.”

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Plan to get ripped with Joe Wicks abandoned after three days

A WOMAN’S plan to get fit with Joe Wicks has been abandoned after a mere three days and must never be spoken of again. 

Donna Sheridan has quietly dropped her daily TV-based workout with the chirpy PE instructor after discovering it was extremely painful for her unfit body.

Sheridan said: “At first it looked fun. Joe Wicks seems like a nice guy, so why would he want to hurt me this badly?

“One of the exercises was to jump up then go down on your knee. I’m pretty sure that would have my kneecap out of its socket. It’s like something out of a Saw film.

“There’s another called Kangaroo Jumps where you have to put your hands up like a kangaroo and jump from side to side. It’s ridiculous and painful. Maybe the guy is unhinged. 

“The sad thing is he’s so nice and peppy I want to keep watching, but I’ll be doing it from my sofa, eating my third packet of quarantine digestives for the day. 

“I don’t want to be a strain on the NHS if I did hurt myself. If that’s at the cost of my rock hard abs, so be it.”