Daddy uses all the best words when he’s driving, kids agree

TWO children have agreed that they pick up all the most useful phrases when Daddy is driving them to school. 

Eleanor and George Shaw, aged nine and six respectively, have found the words their father uses on the school run to be a valuable currency in the playground.

Eleanor said: “I knew a few rude words, of course – poo, bum, willy, the basics – but when I tried using some of the things daddy said to the bus, I got instant respect.

“Turns out that loads of kids simply don’t have access to phrases like ‘fucknut cyclist cocksucker’, which is what Miss Baldwin calls a ‘compound phrase’. It’s really helped me climb a few notches in the playground hierarchy.

“Though it was embarrassing when I couldn’t define ‘utter’ yesterday, but I thought it was rude because I’ve only ever heard it used in the context of ‘utter, utter fucking bastard’.”

Younger brother George said: “My daddy is the best at swearing. Your daddies are ‘piss artists’.”

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Dear Holly, My brother has become a problem for the family - Ivanka, Washington DC

Dear Holly,
My brother has become a problem for my family. Although has always been volatile, I love him – he is my brother – but you don’t go taking sides with anyone against the family, not ever. Donald Jr has a good heart but he is weak, and stupid, and this is life and death. He has broken my heart! I am thinking of taking him on a fishing trip to Lake Tahoe; will this put an end to my family’s misery and the darkness that has infected my soul?

Dear Ivanka,
What’s the point of siblings anyway? Mums and dads seem to think having more than one child will be great for everyone because they will be darling playmates and entertain each other so that the grown-ups can look at their iPhones all day long without being disturbed by annoying children all the time but in reality what happens is that while mummy is deep in Candy Crush Saga, someone is having their eyes gouged out with a piece of lego and someone else has been drop-kicked in the face and force-fed half a kilo of yellow play-doh.
Hope that helps,