Decent, affordable flat ruined by the presence of six housemates

A FLAT you can afford with modern fittings is let down by the presence of the six other people you will be forced to share it with.

The property in question comes fully furnished and has good links to the town centre, but is infested with half-a-dozen annoying occupants who you will have to make tedious small talk with.

Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “At less than £500pcm, bills included, this house share flat is a real steal. So long as you overlook all the godawful young professionals who are also crammed into it.

“There’s a huge garden, spacious living room, and the one massive bathroom practically has an echo. Although when you’re fifth in line for a piss you won’t appreciate whoever’s singing Meat Loaf in it.”

Housemate Ryan Whittaker said: “Everyone who lives here is extremely irritating in their own unique way. Personally I smoke weed 24/7, whereas Martin upstairs likes to practice his drums at two in the morning.

“Look, you can either move in here or you can tread water financially by living on your own, so which will it be? Thought so. We’ll add your name to the cleaning rota everyone ignores.”

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Watch cricket together in silence: five ways to bond with your dad this Father's Day

NOT sure how to celebrate your dad this Father’s Day? Here are five ways to make the old man feel appreciated: 

Watch cricket together in silence

Your dad’s had a busy week, so let him catch up with the cricket he’s taped by watching it with him in complete silence. You could humour him by talking about the quality of the batsmanship, although if you don’t make a sound he’ll soon forget you’re even there, which is what you both really want.

Pretend to have trouble parking a car

Your dad loves to take charge and correct people, especially when it comes to practical matters. So what could be better than failing to parallel park in an exaggerated fashion? He’ll know you’re putting on a show to entertain him, but that won’t stop him from shouting advice at you before pushing you out of the driver’s seat to show you how it’s done.

Talk about his favourite war

Indulge your dad’s love for military history by starting a chat about his favourite war. If you’re not sure if he prefers the Boer War, the Second World War or Columbia’s La Violencia, a cursory glance at his bookshelf should provide the answer. For bonus points, nod your head and say ‘wow, really?’ at regular intervals and ask him who won.

Give him a tenner

Your dad has no desire to receive a piece of folded card from Paperchase with a picture of a beer bottle on it. You’re better off slipping him a crisp ten pound note he’s free to spend on silicone caulk or an Airfix kit. Appeal to his sense of humour by saying ‘they only had these woke plastic notes’ when you hand it over.

Leave him to his shed

The best way to bond with your dad this Father’s Day is to leave him undisturbed in his shed for the duration. You might think he’d get lonely in there, but after a solid 24 hours in the company of his tools he’ll come out looking almost as happy as he does in those photos from before you were born. Not quite, but almost.