Deleting someone on Facebook only way to ensure bumping into them

DELETING someone from your friends list is the only way of making sure that you will bump into them, it has emerged.

Researchers found that doing a social media ‘clean up’ of people you are not interested in creates a 99.4 per cent probability of seeing them within a week.

Student Nikki Hollis said: “I deleted this guy I half-knew as I didn’t see the point, then two days later I ran into him in the pub. Almost he was a vengeful ghost or something.

“I asked how he was and he said ‘How do you think?’

“So I just kind of smiled and acted like my friend had called me back over to our table. I found out later through a mutual friend that he had passed his driving theory test that day.

“It was awkward but I’m still glad I deleted him because who gives a fuck.”

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All porn to be made by government

THE government is to regulate adult content by producing porn films and websites itself.

They can have sex because their tax returns are done

After concerns that the film of Fifty Shades of Grey could encourage harmful sadomasochistic porn, government ministers and committees of civil servants will now decide what is sexy.

A spokesman said: “There is no reason why steamy erotica cannot be combined with reminders to eat your five-a-day or file your self-assessment tax returns.

“For example, in Frustrated Minumum Wagers, a wife romps with a pizza delivery man while explaining the Working Tax Credit system for people on low incomes.

“Many politicians have decided to appear in their own porn movies because, like porn actors, they are fucked-up narcissists who don’t realise how ridiculous they appear on camera.

“David Cameron has put in a surprisingly energetic performance as an 18th century landowner in Lord Hector’s Wild Oats.

“However I would warn that Theresa May’s She-Wolf of The Border Agency is strictly for specialist tastes.”