Devoted son spends hours searching for Mother’s Day discount codes

A LOVING son spent an entire morning googling coupon codes to get money off a bunch of flowers for his mum, it has emerged.

Tom Logan decided his lovely mum deserved to be treated like a queen for a day and so spend yesterday morning looking for offers.

Logan said: “I love my mum, and because I can’t be bothered to go home to see her for Mother’s Day, I decided it would look thoughtful to wow her with a heavily discounted bouquet.

“But these flower companies are taking the piss. I’m not paying for delivery as well.

“Mum wouldn’t want me to waste my hard-earned money on some flowers that are going to die in a week, especially since I’m heading off to Thailand for a three-week bender with my mates.”

Logan added: “I’ll probably get her a card that says ‘Mum’ in big fuck-off letter on it so she knows it’s for her. Or something with a photo of a baby sleeping in a cocktail glass – that’s the kind of thing mums like, isn’t it?”

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Dad trying to get kids into Catholic school claims to ‘f**king love the Pope’

A FATHER attempting to get his daughters into Catholic school told the admissions board that the Pope is ‘fucking ace’. 

Stephen Malley of Portsmouth is hoping his clear enthusiasm for the religion will conceal his rustiness on the basics and win his two children places at the superior local primary.

He continued: “I mean this new guy is just the boss, isn’t he? Nothing against the one before, he was a cracking Pope, but this Francis fella is kicking arse.

“It’s like a proclamation here, some compassion here, making new saints, he’s got the lot covered. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not performing loads of miracles he’s too humble to brag about.

“I’ve been Catholic my whole life obviously, but there’s just so much new energy in it now. Really given the old church its bollocks back.

“Honestly we were going to take the girls to Rome to see him last year but there weren’t any deals, so we did a fortnight in Malaga.”

Deputy headteacher Joseph Turner said: “He knows nothing about Catholicism and clearly hasn’t been to church in years. But he really loves the Pope, so fuck it.”