Dickensian Christmas ghosts get no reaction from gas executive

THREE Christmas ghosts visited gas executive Tom Logan to show him the error of his ways, but he didn’t give a shit.

As Britain’s gas companies began their annual round of price hikes just in time for the perishing cold of winter, three apparitions appeared in the bedroom of materially-wealthy, spiritually-poor utilities boss Tom Logan.

The Ghost of Christmas Present said: “I took Logan on a journey through the ice-clad streets of London, peering into the window of a poor family huddled around a brazier where they were burning the parents’ wedding photos for heat.

“He simply muttered something about ‘dwindling North Sea reserves’ and ‘the need to stay competitive’.”

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come said: “I took Logan to a funeral the following year, where the same family wept as the body of their bandy-legged son Little Martin was lowered into the ground. They couldn’t afford a coffin so they’d just chipped the thick ice in which he froze to death into a vague rectangular shape.

“Logan was like, ‘Can we get on with this because I’ve got a conference call about how we can make some more lovely money?'”

The Ghost of Christmas Past said: “I couldn’t really do much because it turns out he had always been a callous bastard.”

Tom Logan said: “These ghosts simply don’t understand the tough business conditions in which we have to operate.

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m about to eat a massive swan, in a big warm room all on my own.”



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New National Curriculum includes Lace Making and Servant Flogging

The government is hoping to recapture the glory days of the British Empire with a return to old fashioned school subjects.

The new National Curriculum does away with more modern subjects in favour of Duelling and Standing Up Straight.

Science lessons will disregard any discoveries made since 1850, concentrating instead on making opium.

Education Minster Michael Gove said: “The British men who conquered half the globe didn’t have their minds full of social science and Philip Larkin.”

Girls will be taught separately from boys, to avoid overheating their brains.