Did Vorderman Actually Happen? Question Time Viewers Keep Asking Themselves

FIVE days after Carol Vorderman's apprearance on Question Time, millions of people across Britain were last night still trying to make sense of the experience.

Some viewers claim the numbers-savvy dodgy loan mascot underwent a physical transformation into a leathery, harpy-like creature that disembowelled the floor manager with its razor talons, while others say that although they definitely watched the programme, their only memory of that time period is an implanted mental image of a rustic apple fayre.

Viewer Tom Logan said: "That night my wife and I switched off the telly and went to bed without saying a word. Four days later we were having breakfast and I said, 'I had the weirdest dream where her off Countdown metamorphosed into a  ravenous hell-bitch whose black eyes radiated pure, unbroken shafts of demonic malevolence.

"She just looked at me, took my hand and nodded. I knew then that I wasn't mad."

He added: "We don't know what really happened but my instinct is to pack as many of our possessions as possible into the Volvo and just keep driving."

There have also been reports of animals behaving strangely during last Thursday's show.

Plumber Nathan Muir said: "I remember some woman staring into the camera and screaming about how paedophiles should be fed their own kidneys and then my collie Jake started throwing himself against the wall and eating his own feet.

"I still don't understand what happened and whenever I talk about it my face goes all cold."

A BBC spokesman said: "Unfortunately all the tapes have just been destroyed in a mysterious fire and everyone associated with the program has died in some sort of gruesome accident, especially Will Self, who was struck by lightning, mutilated by a pack of wild stoats and then hit by a runaway tram."

He added: "Go back to your desks and get on with your work."


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Bush Plea To Cameron Diaz Over 'Onionists'

FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland.

Mr Bush called Ms Diaz yesterday after reading something in the Dallas Morning Post and realising he was not due to tee off until 11.30am.

A spokesman said: "It was a toss-up. He was scanning the paper more avidly than usual so he was either going to get involved in the Ulster peace process or order lots of really cheap ice cream.

"Anyway, he saw the word 'unionists' and well, general pronunciation skills have never been his forte.

"I suggested that he call Cameron and before I knew it he shouted 'great idea, brain guy' and was on the phone congratulating her on her performance in My Sister's Keeper and asking her what she knew about 'onionism'.

"I sensed she was perplexed by the call as he kept say things like, 'you know, onionism… they had a big onion famine in the 1980s or something and now they are all either onionists or anti-onionists'."

He added: "They have met a couple of times before so he calls her either 'Joey Blonde', 'Mrs Shrek' or 'Legs McGillicuddy."

A spokesman for Diaz said: "Cameron is flattered that President Bush places so much store in her ability to help bring about change in Northern Ireland and has vowed to do all she can to either promote or attack onionism, depending on what it actually is."