Different car shapes most appealing thing about UK town centres

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

The European Union wants to ban cars from all town centres by 2050, but experts say that will force people to look at the buildings and each other.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Without cars a stroll through a typical UK town centre would be an assault on the eyes so severe the EU would be forced to charge itself with a human rights violation.

“The last time I was in the middle of Swindon the only thing that stopped me from puking my load was the sight of a 2009 Ford Kuga.

“Luckily it parked in just the right spot, blocking my view of not only a bloated, pasty incapacity benefit claimant but the Disney Store he was attempting to waddle out of.

“Then, as if guided by a guardian angel, one of these new Jaguar XJs eased in front of a particularly horrific Burger King, sparing me the sight of a window full of grunting, fat-slurping troglodytes and their cretinous, blank-eyed spawn.”

He added: “I would gladly suck the tailpipe of a beautifully sculpted Audi Q5 than stand unprotected in the middle of Swindon as the concrete tombstones and failed human experiments closed in on me like an army of unbearably hideous vampire zombies.”

An EU spokesman said: “We sometimes forget how monstrous urban Britain really is. They could have preserved their architectural heritage if only they’d had the foresight to surrender to Hitler.

“Still at least they’ve now got lots of lovely Volkswagens to look at. So all credit to Hitler for that.”

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Royal wedding police unveil 'riot squad of hearts'

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month’s royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

Thousands of police will carry heart-shaped riot shields and the soles of their metal toe-capped boots will feature a photo of the royal couple, ensuring that the love between Prince William and his bride will be the last thing a protestor sees before he loses consciousness.

Chief Inspector Roy Hobbs said: “It will be a fairytale occasion, like Goldilocks and the Three Trustafarians Getting Their Fucking Heads Kicked In or The Princess and the Punch in the Kidneys.

“Our officers will do everything they can to make sure the tiny minority that want to disrupt the proceedings don’t spoil it for the tiny minority that want to watch the proceedings.”

Officers will also be issued with a commemorative red, white and blue nightstick, while the Queen’s Perfumer has created a souvenir pepper spray blending subtle hints of jasmine, rosewater and scotch bonnet chili.

But anarchist Wayne Hayes stressed: “We’re working night and day to think of a way this wedding is somehow related to globalisation.

“And my mate Raz is already knocking up a banner depicting Kate and William as Nazi vampires setting fire to a pile of dead badgers whilst sat in an Israeli tank in Gaza.

“It’s a confusing image, yes, but you can’t say it’s not powerful.”

He added: “The real obstacle we face is not the police but the fact that most people will be using the day off to get obliviously shitfaced.

“Kate Middleton could walk down the aisle wearing a Donald Duck mask and a strap-on dildo and the only people who will notice will be Kay Burley and the Archbishop of Canterbury.”