Different car shapes most appealing thing about UK town centres

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

This VW Touareg was recently listed by Gateshead Borough Council

The European Union wants to ban cars from all town centres by 2050, but experts say that will force people to look at the buildings and each other.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Without cars a stroll through a typical UK town centre would be an assault on the eyes so severe the EU would be forced to charge itself with a human rights violation.

“The last time I was in the middle of Swindon the only thing that stopped me from puking my load was the sight of a 2009 Ford Kuga.

“Luckily it parked in just the right spot, blocking my view of not only a bloated, pasty incapacity benefit claimant but the Disney Store he was attempting to waddle out of.

“Then, as if guided by a guardian angel, one of these new Jaguar XJs eased in front of a particularly horrific Burger King, sparing me the sight of a window full of grunting, fat-slurping troglodytes and their cretinous, blank-eyed spawn.”

He added: “I would gladly suck the tailpipe of a beautifully sculpted Audi Q5 than stand unprotected in the middle of Swindon as the concrete tombstones and failed human experiments closed in on me like an army of unbearably hideous vampire zombies.”

An EU spokesman said: “We sometimes forget how monstrous urban Britain really is. They could have preserved their architectural heritage if only they’d had the foresight to surrender to Hitler.

“Still at least they’ve now got lots of lovely Volkswagens to look at. So all credit to Hitler for that.”