Discovering there wasn't any sex on TV even after the watershed: disappointments kids today will never know

WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.

There was still no sex on telly after the watershed

You were sent to bed before 9pm every night because something mysterious called ‘the watershed’ happened, which you assumed meant all four channels started showing porn. When you finally got to watch evening programming it just turned out to be unerotic Panorama documentaries about salmonella.

Smoking in pubs is horrible

The thought of being grown-up enough to smoke a cigarette while drinking a beer was incredibly glamorous to kids. However once it was banned, even smokers realised it just meant spending the night in an acrid haze that made your eyes water, and your clothes stank the next morning.

You’ll never get through on a Saturday morning TV phone-in

You watched Going Live! religiously on Saturday and phoned in for every competition or opportunity to ask a shit band like Five Star an inane question. Each week you truly believed that this would be your day, but it never, ever was. To complete this hard lesson in life your mum shouted at you for calling premium rate numbers.

Pac-Man 2 wasn’t worth the wait

Having spent the 80s having the time of your life munching ghosts in Pac-Man, you thought Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures for the SNES would be an improvement on the classic. Unfortunately, they ruined it by giving Pac-Man emotions and a storyline, making the 14-year wait a terrible disappointment.

Having a computer in your pocket is a pain in the arse

Young people today have never known what it was like not to have a miniature computer constantly in their hand, so they don’t realise it hasn’t turned out as amazing as you imagined when you were a kid. You don’t use it to summon your hoverboard, you use it to read abuse on Twitter and be constantly pestered by friends, your partner and co-workers. Growing up is shit.

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Boris Johnson 'just a bad dream', Conservatives reassure voters

CONSERVATIVE candidates in council elections have reassured voters that Boris Johnson being prime minister was just a terrible nightmare.

Stephen Malley, a Tory candidate for Nuneaton, says he has met hundreds of emotional voters on doorsteps who shared a distressing collective dream in which the former London mayor and journalist was leading the country.

He said: “It must have been very vivid. They’re often red-faced and shaking just at the thought of it.

“I soothe them and say of course there couldn’t be a Conservative prime minister partying in Downing Street while they were unable to see their dying relatives. That’s the stuff of nightmares.

“I remind them we’re the party of law and order so there’s no way our leader would be fined for breaking the law in office, let alone lying while presiding over a whole lawbreaking culture.

“And I point out the Tories stand for low tax and strong fiscal management, so the tax burden can’t be the highest since the 1940s while inflation’s soaring, all under a leader who visibly couldn’t give a f**k.

“They blink, shake their heads and say ‘No. No, that couldn’t be real could it? Or I’d be the twat for voting Tory.’ I confirm they’re not. Then off they go to vote Tory again.”