Divorced man with Union Jack mug looking around empty flat

A MAN who opened divorce proceedings against his wife yesterday is looking around his bare flat wondering why he feels no different. 

Tom Booker, aged 38, announced his intention to leave in June last year and after nine months of argument is finally free, single and expecting to begin enjoying it any moment now.

He said: “I’ve got my life back. I’ve restored my self-determination. From now on, Booker does what Booker wants to do.

“Yeah it’s alright this place. Bit small, and there aren’t really any other rooms to go in, but it’s gonna be party central. The old gang will be round all the time, unless they’ve got prior family commitments.

“I would’ve loved to see her face when she got the letter from the lawyer. And the divorce settlement’s a guaranteed win, because judges always favour the one who buggers off.

“Tonight I’ll pop a Rustlers burger in the microwave then channel-hop until I fall asleep on the sofa surrounded by dirty cutlery. If I want company I can always look at myself in the mirror.”

Booker added: “And I’ve got my mug.”

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Arseholed Nick Clegg screams filth at a pigeon

AN incredibly drunk Nick Clegg has been swearing violently at a pigeon in central London.

It is understood the distraught former Lib Dem leader started drinking ‘very early’ and by midday was standing in Trafalgar Square telling a pigeon it was a ‘manky racist bastard’.

Eyewitness Jane Thomson, said: “He was swaying dramatically and had clearly singled out this one pigeon.

“He was pointing at it shouting ‘you baldy prick, I’ll kick you up the fucking ringpiece. Just because you were in the army, you don’t scare me’.

“Then he chased after the pigeon shouting, ‘you were shit at your job, you were shit at your job’.”

Thomson added: “And then I realised that he was so utterly hammered he thought the pigeon was Iain Duncan Smith. We’ve all been there.”

The pigeon, Tom Logan, said: “I feel for the guy. I’m a passionate pro-European myself, so it’s a difficult day. Anyway, have you got any crisps or are we just wasting each other’s time?”