DOCTORS treating former unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.
Paisley was admitted to hospital last Friday and had the pacemaker fitted after surgeons presented him with a series of notarised documents confirming the device was Dutch Presbyterian.
Consultant cardiologist Julian Cook said: “Mr Paisley grabbed me by the lapels, stared deep into my eyes and said that if all I had in stock were filthy, left-footed pacemakers, breeding like rabbits then I may as well just kill him now.
“Luckily we haven’t had any Catholic pacemakers since we implanted half a dozen of them into Cherie Blair’s skull.”
The former DUP leader’s son, Ian Paisley Jnr, said: “He would have preferred a Scottish protestant pacemaker as Holland is next door to Belgium and Belgium is dangerously Papist.
“But if there has been any Catholicism within 20ft of it he’ll instinctively know and then he’ll just rip it straight out of his chest and throw it down the bog.”
He added: “My father has always worried that Beelzebub’s Roman wizards would attempt to infiltrate his body whether it was with low fat Pope yoghurt, a endoscope with a little statue of the Virgin Mary on the end if it or a hip operation performed by some dirty Fenian bastard.”
Paisley said his father was back at his desk on Monday using his favourite crayons to draw a picture of John Paul II hanging upside down from a lamppost.