Doctors 'not secretly planning to murder patients'

DOCTORS will not use voluntary euthanasia laws to do lots of murders, they have confirmed.

GP Tom Logan said: “I became a doctor because helping people is nice and you can buy a fucking massive house.

“If I wanted to kill disabled people I’d have got a job with Atos.

“Also I only get seven minutes per patient, so by the time I’d strapped them down and started getting the poison ready it’d be time for the next patient, so I’d have to ask them to come back next week to finish being killed.

“I suppose I could get my receptionist Yvonne to bash their skulls in with a club. She’d probably quite like that.”

However newspaper columnists remain adamant that any relaxation of the euthanasia laws would have horrific consequences that are more interesting to read about than positive consequences.

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Passport backlog blamed on everyone having different names

THE UK Passport Office has insisted there would be no backlog in applications if everyone could just have the same name.

Some people have been waiting months for a new passport, but officials say they have only themselves to blame.

A government spokesman said: “The trend for individual names – rather than just a number which is what all governments really want you to have –  makes passport manufacture unnecessarily labour-intensive.

“Also we have to draw a vast number of birds and landmarks on each passport. It is absolutely essential to have the kingfisher, red grouse, merlin, curlew and avocet.

“Just like it’s essential to have a drawing of the Giant’s Causeway and Ben Nevis, even though most people in Britain think they are types of biscuit.”