Dog appalled to discover he is a 'fanny magnet'

A DOG has been dismayed to realise that he is being used as a way for an average-looking man to attract women, it has emerged.

King Charles spaniel Wayne Hayes believed owner Tom Booker wanted a faithful companion, and felt betrayed when he heard Booker describe him to a friend as a ‘fanny magnet’.

Hayes said: “I suppose it’s a bit weird for a grown man to choose such a cute looking dog as me, but I assumed Tom was a caring, sensitive guy who loved small fragile mammals.

“Turns out he’d read an article in Men’s Health about what women like and buying a dog was much easier than getting a six pack. I’m a walking sex trap that he pays in Pedigree Chum.

“The problem with Tom though is that he’s a charmless tosser and that becomes pretty clear after five minutes of conversation. The theory is that women are attracted to a guy with responsibilities but I think they genuinely fancy me more than him.

“Plus, he has to carry bags of my warm shit around in his coat pocket.” 

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Couple build dream home for nightmare lifestyle

AN AFFLUENT couple have created an amazing house in which to do tedious things with their awful friends, they have revealed.

Stephen Malley and wife Sara worked with an architect to create the perfect space for doing things no one enjoys, like discussing personal finance and playing boules.

Corporate accountant Sara said: “We’ve opted for a vast dining area with a spiral staircase and a wild oak table. It’s pointless but will impress our friend Rory who only talks about money and rugby.

“There’s also an alcove thing where we can have tapas with other dreary pseudo-friends like Peter and Romilly, who I would not piss on if they were on fire.

“We’re converting the basement into a sad parody of a pub with cask ales and a retro jukebox. It’s going to be great for socialising with people we have no real emotional connection to.”

Husband Stephen said: “I can’t wait to hang out around the boule pit with Lukas and Sophie, or any of the other business contacts I pretend are my friends.

“We’re planning some great dinner parties, but more importantly when guests need to urinate they’ll be impressed by the automatic toilet seats that lift up like magic.

“Obviously I would swap all of this for having a single real friend in the world.”