Dog in coffee shop wishes he was at the pub 

A DOG allowed into a trendy coffee shop would much rather be in a carpeted pub listening to workmen’s dirty anecdotes, he has confirmed.  

Dog Wayne Hayes complained that the high-octane environment of an aspirational cafe fuelled by nuclear strength caffeine is triggering his anxiety.

Hayes said: “I’ve just had to listen to a couple of mums high on piccolos talk rabidly for an hour about some buggy called the Tooti-Shitstorm-Butterfly.

“I just want to be on patterned carpet, breathing in the smell of stale beer and Frazzles while I drift off to sleep to the bleeps of the fruity.

“Then I’ll wake up to hear a guy in his late sixties who still lays tarmac telling anecdotes about the best way to have sex with a marrow. That’s an afternoon out.”

Hayes added: “A man in a woolly hat and apron has just nudged some water in a jam-jar at me. What’s their policy on biting?”