UK to introduce 'drink banks'

CHURCH halls and community centres are to offer emergency alcohol supplies to those unable to afford it themselves.

Charities have seen a sharp rise in the number of people who are forced to go without drink altogether in order to meet basic living costs.

Eleanor Shaw, chair of the charity Poverty Concern, said “The measure of a compassionate society is that every one of its adult citizens should have access to beer, wine or spirits.

“More and more, however, we are seeing heart-rending cases of people forced to endure the misery of enforced sobriety, thanks to government cutbacks.

“This isn’t just the unemployed. We’re talking about workers on low incomes, or pensioners who’ve paid into the system all their lives and need to get shitfaced every weekend just the same as you or I.

“Anything will do – a can of Kestrel, that unwanted bottle of leftover Christmas sherry, even the dregs of Auntie Lindsey’s sloe gin.

“People have been so generous. They understand the desperation of drinking a cup of tea and realising that’s the strongest thing that’ll pass your lips that day.”

Conservative sources claimed that there are no significant alcohol shortages in the UK, and that the Chancellor has delivered on his promise to make the country more drunk than ever.

But Stephen Malley of Birmingham said: “The Government is ignorant of the reality of life in Britain today.

“Which is exactly where I want to be, and why the white cider supplied by the drink banks is so vital.”


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Atheists are delusional, says Conservative Party’s chief Satanist

THE Conservative Party’s Grand Satanic Ambassador has assured atheists that they are totally wrong.

Iain Duncan Smith, the Tories’ official conduit to the Netherworld, said there was no doubt that God existed otherwise Prince Lucifer, the Morning Star, would hold dominion over all the lands of the Earth.

Mr Duncan Smith added: “Speak out Christian people. Defend your faith, for in doing so you give strength to my Dark Master.

“We feed off your virtue and piety like it is fresh meat. We can only become engorged and fruitful when we stand in opposition to your pitiful worship of the Nazarene.”

Mr Duncan Smith also praised British Christianity for its ‘innate tolerance’ before smiling, licking his lips and describing himself as ‘deliciously wicked’.

The work and pensions secretary then took off his trousers and entered a fawn.