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Drink pints and eat chips: Manchesterism in practice, explained by a Mancunian

ANDY Burnham is all about Manchesterism. And, what with living in Ardwick, so am I. Let me tell you how it works here on the ground: 

Chips for tea

If Manchester stands for anything, it’s chips for tea. Not every night, unless you’ve the misfortune of being vegan. Every Friday, usually Mondays, Wednesdays occasionally, Sundays if you’ve not been able to shift your hangover. Also we have chips for dinner. What you’d call lunch. 

Pints

You can get cocktails and the like up here but you can’t really go wrong with a pint, can you? And another pint after that. Followed by whatever you like but chances are it’ll be another pint once you’re two down. If anything else seems like the thing you’re not fitting in. 

Rain

Not sure how Andy’s planning to shroud the whole country in the beautiful rain we get 24-7 and 365 up here, but he’ll need to if we’re going to get everyone in anoraks. You can’t beat a good downpour. Makes the cobbles glisten. 

Gays

We’re very big on our gays up here, but they’re proper gays. Not these online queers you get down south. To claim an alternative sexuality down Canal Street you’re still required to pass the physical examination. Also, you have to eat at McTucky’s and survive. 

Curry

It’s not all chips, as I detailed above. There’s also the Curry Mile, a phantasmagoria of spices and neon signs that serves everything the Indian subcontinent has to offer. Your arse’ll be smoking like there’s a flare up it. 

Very specific musical nostalgia

All the best bands come from Manchester if you insist on an arbitrary cut-off point of roughly 1996. Joy Division, New Order, The Smiths, the Roses and the Mondays, Oasis, music ends after that. There’s the lad who does the rapping I suppose but he’s not on Factory. 

Hatred for your immediate neighbours

You’re no real Manc if you don’t despise Liverpool, loathe Leeds, look down on Birmingham and consider London beneath contempt. Personally I think anyone from Salford’s a twat. Should fit right in with Britain’s post-Brexit foreign policy.

Bees on shit

They only used to be on the bins, but this last 15 years we’ve adopted the bee as the symbol of our fair city and plastered them on everything. They represent Manchester because they work together for the good of all, they’re natty little bastards and if you mess with them, they’ll f**k you up. Alright? 

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The five very peculiar boxes Josh Widdicombe ticks as Strictly host

JOSH Widdicombe’s casting as the new Strictly Come Dancing host? Just the latest BBC box-ticking exercise. Specifically these:

The ‘Hobbit’ box

If BBC presenters aren’t from London, they tend to come from the North or Wales. And while this is good for representation, the broadcaster has been lacking when it comes to hiring scruffy-haired yokels from the Shire. Widdicombe hits this diversity target and thanks to clever camerawork you’ll never know he’s three feet shorter than Emma Willis.

The ‘Zippy-voiced’ box

Most presenters have voices audiences enjoy hearing, but not everyone is blessed with the warm, earthy tones of a Wogan or Attenborough. By presenting a prime time family show, Josh Widdicombe has beaten those gatekeepers and proved the weirdly-voiced deserve the dignity of being listened to as well. His laugh is also a bit much.

The ‘annoys your mum and dad’ box

Every light entertainment BBC show must include at least one host that makes your mum and dad leave furious, misspelt screeds in the Daily Mail comments section. A clever move on the Beeb’s part, as angry parents will purposefully tune in regardless to boost their blood pressure and bump up the ratings in the process.

The ‘not Romesh Ranganathan’ box

Hard to believe, but a slim minority of BBC shows are not presented by Romesh Ranganathan. Often they’re scheduled in BBC Three’s graveyard slot so as not to disturb people with his troubling absence. To ease the general public into the weird notion of a mainstream show without him, there will be trigger warnings before each episode.

The ‘straight white male’ box

The rarest of all boxes. Contrary to popular belief, the BBC is charter-bound to hire a heterosexual white man as a presenter every now and then. Having listened to the mixed reaction to Josh Widdicombe’s announcement though, the broadcaster will make sure this box is never ticked again. It’s diversity hiring from here on out because that’s what the public wants.

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