MAINTAINING your Northernness can be a tricky business. Here are six worrying signs that you’re slipping into the behaviour of a soft Southerner.
Hugging your dad
An absolute no no. Once you deviate from a firm handshake with your old man, who knows where it will lead? Opening up about your feelings? Listening to classical music? Giving him a kiss?
Watching Rugby Union
It’s okay to accidentally glimpse a Union game when flicking channels; actually watching one is sacrilege. It’s the reserve of the public school-educated City boy. You like Rugby League, remember? They can keep Twickenham. You have Widnes, Warrington and Hull.
Admitting to liking Sushi should be, at best, a deathbed confession for anyone truly Northern. So next time you’re secretly scoffing down salmon sashimi, think of all the people you’re letting down.
Wearing a coat
The hardiest Northerners don’t even own a coat, the whole thing being an alien concept. There are exceptions, obviously, and you can wear one if the temperature drops below -4 degrees. Everything up to that, just put on a jumper, you tart.
Drinking lager tops
Ever since that first pint aged 14 down your parents’ local boozer, bitter has been part of your life. Lager, still considered a ‘woman’s drink’ by some very old Northerners, is bad enough but if you’ve developed a taste for lager tops it’ll just be a pint of lemonade next.
Marrying a Southerner
A dead giveaway, this one. You’ve lost sight of your gruff regionality so much you’ve bought a house in the commuter belt of Surrey. Sophie is probably a nice woman – don’t get us wrong – but she’s teaching your kids to speak ‘Southern’. It’s so stressful you’ll need to soak in a long, relaxing ‘barth’.