Drinking during day temporarily not shameful

THE social stigma attached to daytime drinking sessions has been lifted for the festive season.

From today until January 5, anyone drunk before 4pm cannot be judged even if they are slumped outside a Wetherspoon clinging onto the door for support.

Doctor Tom Booker said: “My wife always gets very antsy when I reach for the whisky at midday so this is great news for our marriage.

“And if I want to go to the pub after lunch I don’t have to spin some yarn about taking the dog to an arboretum. I just say ‘I am going to the pub for the afternoon’ and walk out unmolested.

“I suspect she might have a bit of a cry after I leave, but whatever.”

34-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I went to see my grandmother yesterday morning, to find her perilously drunk on cherry brandy and boasting about how my real father was a Spitfire pilot.

“Fair enough though because I shall be in the sweet embrace of red wine before it gets dark.”

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Things men want for Christmas have no physical form

THE most popular men’s Christmas presents, including books, music and computer games, no longer exist as physical things.

Wives are increasingly finding that the only things their menfolk actually want are a series of ones and zeros flowing down a fibre optic cable.

Tom Logan of Preston said: “The wife used to get me CDs, but I’m on Spotify now.

“I only read on the Kindle, I watch everything on Netflix, and I’m going to download all my games in the Steam sale after Christmas.

“Everything I love has become a ghost, and I couldn’t be happier.”

Wife Sarah Logan said: “Luckily you can’t digitise presentation boxes of ales with fleetingly amusing names. For good old-fashioned total shit, you can’t beat the material world.”