Easter eggs about a tenth the size you remember, confirm experts

MODERN Easter eggs are barely two disappointing mouthfuls, adults have confirmed.

After shamelessly raiding their children’s Easter egg stash, parents across Britain have reported a meagre haul of sickly chocolate.

Stephen Malley said: “When I was a kid you’d gorge on Easter eggs until you never wanted to eat chocolate again, but I might as well have not bothered breaking that egg open. I could’ve swallowed it whole.”

He added: “I’m starting to think the few seconds of satisfaction don’t justify having to pretend to my children that there was a break-in overnight.”

Chocolate economist Julian Cook said: “At their current rate of shrinkage, Easter eggs will be merely theoretical by 2025.

“You will simply be told that you’ve eaten one, probably via a text and then you’ll feel slightly nauseous and ashamed.”

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Sunny weather fills local park with dickheads

THE recent sunny weather has lead to a sharp increase in dickheads going to the park.

Researchers found that dickheads chose to go to the park, not to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air, but to annoy normal people as much as possible.

Non-dickhead Tom Booker said: “Me and my mates kicked a ball round a bit, had a beer, a little barbecue. It was really nice.”

But dickhead Martin Bishop said: “I went to the park with my dog, Rizla. He’s nuts so I like to let him off the lead and then scream after him everywhere he goes.

“I also like to smoke weed, play Gabba music off my phone and attempt to start conversations with strangers in a way that they will find incredibly intimidating.”

Julian Cook, a man lacking in self-awareness, added: “I like to play my acoustic guitar in the park on sunny days. Does that make me a dickhead?”