Edmonds' Wife Questioned Over Absence Of Mercy Killing

NOEL Edmonds' wife was being questioned by police last night over why she has failed to smother him in his sleep.

Liz Edmonds admitted during a radio interview that despite the viewing public's prolonged suffering, she has always resisted the temptation to crush 300 aspirin and mix them into his Cheerios.

She described a pact she made with Edmonds that no matter what quiz show, Christmas surprise show, or demented political platform he attempted to foist on Britain, she would keep her high-earning husband alive.

Detective Superintendent Bill McKay said: "A woman from Gloucestershire is helping us with our enquiries into Mr Edmonds' continued existence.

"All we can say is that this woman had the opportunity, the means, and like any sentient being with an ounce of decency and respect for her fellow humans, the motive."

He added: "I have to say that after Edmonds announced his plan for a quiz show starring a monkey, we fully expected her to walk into the station the next morning with the pillow and a signed confession."

Meanwhile Ignitas, the Swiss euthanasia clinic, has offered to help British television presenters who desperately need to stop existing as soon as possible, including Edmonds, Andrew Marr and that awful Kay Burley from Sky News.

The clinic is also involved in a protracted dispute over what it clams is its legal right to kill Jonathan Ross.


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Men Reveal Pain At Cheryl's Lack Of Promiscuity

CHERYL Cole's refusal to indulge in graphic sexual misdemeanours is causing 'deep and lasting pain' to Britain's men, it emerged yesterday.

Despite having already forgiven her for not releasing a stolen sex tape on the internet, Cheryl's continued inability to send them naked pictures of herself in an array of demeaning poses could prove the last straw for Britain's 30 million males.

Plumber and man, Tom Logan, said: "I've always loved Cheryl, she looks like a sex doll would if they were actually good, plus she doesn't seem intimidatingly intelligent.

"But her reluctance to fuel my sordid fantasies with even the mildest pornographic images is a repeated kick in the teeth.

"If she doesn't film herself getting in a public toilet with Dane Bowers or a former Gladiator soon I don't think I'll have any choice but to transfer my affections to Hermione from Harry Potter, or that one in the Special K advert that still comes on sometimes."

Teacher and other man, Roy Hobbs, said: "I gave Cheryl one last chance after she didn't indulge in a debauched multi-species four way with a mule, an Irish water spaniel and a starfish while dressed like a stern Danish librarian before sending my mate the pictures and issuing a series of astonishingly feeble excuses.

"However her continued monogamous, conventional behaviour is hurtful and exhausting. In fact I may soon be forced to abandon my dark onanistic obsession with 'La Cole' and start having sex with my wife again."

Coles spokesman said: "Contrary to popular belief, Cheryl does not go like a stoat in a bucket of kittens. The area where her tumpsy would be is in fact featureless and perfectly smooth with a plasticky finish, much like the groin of an Action Man."