NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.
Other tell-tale signs include toddlers who look like Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky IV and parents who carry their offspring into GP offices via the method of keepy-up.
But it is the new stench guidelines which have brought the system to the brink of collapse as experts pointed out that 99.2% of all youngsters under 10 stink like a cake made of plasticine and faeces.
Social worker Nikki Hollis said: "I've worked in Hull for six years and I still can't tell where that awful smell is coming from. Am I retching because the child is abused or because it's just Northern?"
The eight million children will say goodbye to their families next week before being packed onto trains and transported to floating 'super care homes' off the west coast of Scotland.
Each will be allowed to bring one memento of home, after it has been steam-cleaned to remove any lingering odour of childhood, such as soil, bogies and Tweenies breakfast cereal.
Ed Balls, secretary of state for children, said: "We are one step closer to having a clean, pure society where the government fulfils its natural role as a stern but loving parent to all of its subjects.
"We must now turn our focus to removing all trace of the gypsy from our nation's bloodline."