Eight Million Children Taken Into Care

NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.

Other tell-tale signs include toddlers who look like Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky IV and parents who carry their offspring into GP offices via the method of keepy-up.

But it is the new stench guidelines which have brought the system to the brink of collapse as experts pointed out that 99.2% of all youngsters under 10 stink like a cake made of plasticine and faeces.

Social worker Nikki Hollis said: "I've worked in Hull for six years and I still can't tell where that awful smell is coming from. Am I retching because the child is abused or because it's just Northern?"

The eight million children will say goodbye to their families next week before being packed onto trains and transported to floating 'super care homes' off the west coast of Scotland.

Each will be allowed to bring one memento of home, after it has been steam-cleaned to remove any lingering odour of childhood, such as soil, bogies and Tweenies breakfast cereal.

Ed Balls, secretary of state for children, said: "We are one step closer to having a clean, pure society where the government fulfils its natural role as a stern but loving parent to all of its subjects.

"We must now turn our focus to removing all trace of the gypsy from our nation's bloodline."

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Kate Middleton 'Related To Monkeys'

PRINCE William’s consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

According to scientists the early Middletons survived on nuts and berries, using their strong prehensile tails to swing from tree to tree.

Later they evolved into a Neanderthal tribe who threw rocks at neighbouring tribes, were terrified of cave bears and thought a solar eclipse was a giant whale eating the sun.

Dr James Cartwright, from the Insititute for Studies, said: “Kate’s more recent ancestors were neckless hominids covered in matted hair. Just several million years ago they were still fashioning tools from mammoth bone and they also had the most horrendous arse-clags.”

He added: “It was all a far cry from Ladies’ Day at Ascot.”

Dr Cartwright said that even today Kate’s DNA is very close to a chimpanzee’s, with only minor variations.

“She’s basically Bubbles in a Jigsaw coat. God knows what the Queen will make of this.”

Constitutional expert, Phyllis Agnew, said: “Kate is devastated that this has finally come out. She certainly wouldn’t want to be associated with simians, or indeed early cave dwellers who worshipped fire and ate raw wolf scrotum.

‘She’s worked hard to leave behind her monkey origins and it’d be real shame if they spoiled it for her now. Especially as she’s only just learned to stop throwing big lumps of her own shit whenever she gets upset.”