Elderly to be cared for by the china figurines they love so much, says government

BRITAIN’S elderly will be cared for by their china dogs, milkmaids and ladies in fancy hats, the government has announced.

The scheme is set to revolutionise care for the elderly by side-stepping expensive care homes and time-consuming visits from relatives.

A Department of Health spokesman said: “Just as dogs provide unparalleled care to the blind and deaf, we believe we can train these cheap pieces of tat to do something other than collect dust”.

It is thought that ‘Milkmaid with Collie Dog’ will be one of the most popular china carers, followed by ‘Laughing Bellringer’ and ‘Spaniel Carrying Basket of Fruit’.

The spokesman added: “We’re also looking at whether or not fridge magnets from holiday destinations could be used to replace nursery schools.”

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Londoner fascinated to hear about life in ‘the regions’

A LONDONER is desperate to hear more about the provinces after learning of life forms beyond the M25.

Tom Logan, from Fulham, has become fascinated by the rest of country after a colleague revealed she was from somewhere that was not London.

Logan said: “Apparently she grew up in something called a ‘cul de sac’ in a ‘Stafford’.

“I immediately asked her if a ‘Stafford’ was a place, some sort of farm vehicle, or perhaps just a state of mind.”

He added: “‘Cul de sac’. It sounds rustic and charming, but also rather dangerous. It is all just utterly gripping.”

Research by the Institute of Studies found that almost 70 per cent of Londoners continue to believe the rest of Britain is a myth perpetuated by the government to explain under-funded public services.

Meanwhile, friends of Logan revealed he is originally from Nottingham but has had electro-shock therapy to erase all non-London memories.