England to be entirely covered in decking by 2015

RELAXED planning laws mean that the entire surface area of the UK will become decking, it has been claimed.

Campaigners fear that easing regulations will see Britain’s love of attaching wooden platforms to its property spiral out of control.

Anti-decking activist Tom Logan said: “The English are far too obsessed with decking for this to be a good idea. The principle is that ‘decking is good so more decking is better’.

“Suburban areas would become expanses of treated lumber, expanding until the whole country was brown and flat, scattered with groups of people having barbecues.

“Food production would halt, but pride in the decking would be such that no-one would smash it to reach the soil beneath.”

Communities secretary Eric Pickles is introducing the new laws so that he can attach some decking and a conservatory to Big Ben.

Pickles said: “The conservatory would be very tasteful, more of an orangery really, where one could read the paper and perhaps eat a cake, while the decking would be varnished and slippery to deter joggers.

“I’m not into joggers, I don’t really ‘get it’.”

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BBC news confirms existence of God

GOD is a real thing, the BBC reported today.

Senior correspondent Nicholas Witchell told viewers that Margaret Thatcher would now be ‘delivered to a higher judgement’ ending the centuries old debate over the existence of a supreme being who decides what happens to our souls when we die.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “So Thatcher will face a higher judgement? Is that a fact? Oh, it is? Well done Nicholas Witchell, you really are an excellent reporter.”

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: “I’ve been  struggling with this issue all my life, so thank you BBC. It almost makes up for the whole Jimmy Savile thing.”