Clarkson distraught at meeting people he couldn't offend

JEREMY Clarkson has admitted being out of his offensiveness depth at Thatcher’s funeral.

He said: “I told the old chap beside me that they should be cremating Lady Thatcher on a mountain of tyres as a two-finger gesture to the eco-mentalists who run their cars on organic hemp, and he just nodded.

“Desperate for attention, I made comments about strikers, foreigners and even said the Kia Cee’d is a fun car to drive. The mourners looked at me as if I were perfectly sane.

“I ended up serving canapes at the wake, just because I wanted them all to like me.”

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Crap parent incredibly worried about MMR jab

A USELESS parent is uncharacteristically worried about whether the MMR jab is safe.

Father-of-three Tom Booker vehemently believes the vaccine will harm his children, whose main source of stimulation is being placed in front of the TV with a packet of Cheez Strings.

Booker said: “It breaks my heart to think of my little angels getting some vaccinitis and not being able to follow their favourite TV programmes. Iggle Piggle’s like a father to them.

“Parents instinctively know what’s best for their kids. If microwave pizza isn’t good for them, how come they’re happy to eat it three times a day?”

Booker said he had thoroughly researched the risks of the MMR vaccine by reading an article on the Daily Mail website and remembering bits of Rain Man.

He added: “I don’t see how you can stop people getting ill by injecting them with illness. If you look at history you can see that vaccines never work and only heroin addicts use needles.

“These doctors should be ashamed of themselves. And I’m not just saying that to diminish my guilt at giving my daughter a kitchen sponge for her birthday and claiming it was SpongeBob Squarepants.”