Epiphany means shit presents can be listed on Ebay

MILLIONS of unwanted presents are being listed online to commemorate Jesus’s parents flogging their gifts from the wise men.

The resale day of Epiphany has its origins in the Gospel of Luke, which describes how Mary and Joseph sold the myrrh and frankincense as soon as the last wise man disappeared over the horizon.

However they kept the gold because Joseph knew it would always hold its value.

Tom Logan said: “In the first seconds of January 6th I slammed those pasta bowls in a presentation box onto Ebay.

“This is the real Christmas for me – tapping the details of all those lame presents into my computer in anticipation of getting that first 99p bid.

“I grudgingly pretended to like these generic gifts at the time but I found them deeply offensive to me and degrading to the giver.”

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Squirrel cull part of clampdown on big penis animals

GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.

A government spokesman said: “A male grey squirrel’s junk is about 56 per cent of his body weight.

“As well as being threatening, this is lewd and gives children nightmares, especially as squirrels look like angry rat-human hybrids.”

He added: “Other big penis animals on our extermination list include whales, big dogs and pigs, which have little girth but terrifying amounts of length.

“We want a world with no noticeable animal penis by 2084.”