Everyone admits to being a creepy bastard

EVERYONE in Britain has finally admitted to having a ghoulish fascination with serial killers, Nazis and disfigurement.

People have decided to stop pretending that books and TV shows about disturbing subjects are educational or informative, and just admit they like horrific things.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “In the evening I like to relax with a documentary about serial killers or someone who’s cut their face off with a chainsaw.

“Murdered prostitutes, horrific injuries, close-ups of surgery – there isn’t much that puts me off my M&S ready meal. In fact my ultimate TV show would be a serial killer having surgery for horrific injuries.

“And I do prefer cop dramas that start off with a charred body being dissected in a morgue or the discovery of a severed limb covered in maggots .

“Does that make me weird? Frankly, yes, it does. But I’ve decided to run with it and embrace my inner ghoul.”

Tom Logan, from Guildford, said: “I used to say I’d got loads of books about the Nazis because I’m interested in history. But I haven’t got any history books that aren’t about the Nazis.

“I don’t like history, I just like the Nazis because they were massively evil and had cool tanks.”

Psychologist Donna Sheridan said: “An interest in extreme subjects is a normal response to the mundanity of everyday life, unless you’ve got a load of severed heads under your sink.

“In fact it’s healthy to accept we have a voyeuristic side, as I will be doing tonight with a nice glass of wine and Channel 4’s The Man Whose Penis Was A Tumour.”

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Marriage tax breaks 'should be extended to any couple not having sex'

MINISTERS are being urged to extend a tax break for married people to any couple whose sex life is a distant memory.

The plan to give married couples an extra £150 a year has angered people who say their long-term relationships are just as devoid of genital fun as any marriage.

Tom Booker, an architect from Hatfield, said: “We may not have signed a piece of paper, but my girlfriend and I have a mortgage, a child, and I received my last blowjob in June 2010 when England were knocked out of the World Cup. And that was really just a fancy hug.”

Donna Sheridan, a nursery teacher from Finbsury Park, said: “I’m against marriage because my boyfriend’s surname is Cockshuffle, but that doesn’t mean our relationship hasn’t become a hellish prison in which we both masturbate secretly behind closed doors.

“I want the government to recognise that with money.”

She added: “At the very least I should be able to claim tax relief on my collection of diesel-powered German dildos.”

Meanwhile, gay groups say the tax break should also include sex-free civil partnerships. Julian Cook said: “The myth about gay guys having loads of sex has turned out to be a very huge myth indeed.

“My partner and I have been together seven years, and when we’re both hinting that a blowjob would help relieve work-related stress it’s like we’re North and South Korea.”

Senior Tory Lord Tebbit has vehemently opposed the reforms, adding: “If all it takes is not having sex, what’s to stop a non-incestuous brother and sister claiming it? Or a cowboy and his unattractive horse? Or two men, a frog and a banjo?

“Who are you? What are we talking about?”