EACH household in Britain will be given a thing to be absolutely terrified about.
It is hoped the millions of bespoke, horrific and totally possible scenarios will keep the population paralysed with fear.
Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: We got a letter saying the nearby animal testing centre might accidentally release a flock of baboons infected with virus called ‘shittoids’ and no, I cant stop shaking.
Weve all pitched in to fret about what that would be like, with my wife imagining their drool-encrusted ape faces at the window of an evening, and the kids wetting the bed thinking about having their arms bitten off.
Margaret next door has offered to help but shes pretty busy with the notion of breaking her leg on the stairs and having to lie there until her cats get hungry enough to eat her.
Horrific scenarios have been modified on a regional basis, with the majority of Newcastle assignments featuring forced sobriety and those in Hampshire heavily involving a commoner moving in next door.
An app has also been designed for quick doses of panic on the move, which flashes messages on the phone screen such as No, but are you sure you switched it off? and Maybe todays the day he finds out.
Fearologist Nikki Hollis said: Ive studied the causes and effects of fear for over twenty years and that mole on my hand is bigger than it was last week, isnt it? Oh, Jesus.